I DID IT!!

As I drove away from the elementary school after I dropped off Sebastian and Deacon this past Monday the full force of starting school hit me. I was reminded, “This is what you have been working for these past few years. You finally did it.”

I have been attending community college since Deacon was diagnosed in 2007. I stumbled a bit on which major to take. Because I was afraid of not making enough money for myself and my sons, I took an attempt at accounting. After two semesters of taking business and accounting courses, I decided to swallow my fears and return to what I loved.

For those who do not know, I am majoring in sociology with a minor in criminology. I have also taken several psychology courses. I love to analyze and I am hoping to become a consultant in the criminal justice system. I want to help change the parts of the system that do not work. I plan on focusing on victimology and penalogy. My own personal goal is to get a PHD just to be able to say I did it.

The criminal justice field was a fluke. When I returned to school after years of not being a student, I chose to take psychology but the school I wanted to attend required a minor too. I thought criminal justice goes well with psychology, why not give it a try. I discovered a passion I didn’t realize I had. I seemed to have a knack at writing legal briefs, loved all the topics in my classes and I was passionate about the discussions I had with my classmates. I took several courses at the community college to save money and to get a lot of my gen. ed. courses completed. This also allowed me to remain close to Deacon these past few years.

This past Monday, I officially started this last leg to getting my degree. Several times a week for the next four months, I am not a mother, nurse, chauffeur, errand runner, secretary, chef or event planner. I am ME the student. I love being a student and I always have. I love to learn and share my own ideas.

What I also love is I get an hour after my classes to play whatever music I want in the car without hearing someone make a comment about it. So yesterday, I played Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, Meat Loaf, Poison and Bon Jovi on my way home. Who knows which artists I will pick for after classes this week.

Reactions

One thing that I make sure to do on the first day of class, in all of my classes, is to talk to my professors about the importance of keeping my cell phone handy and the reason why. I haven’t had to do this in over a year since I took online courses for the 2010-2011 school year. I have gotten used to a range of reactions when it comes to this. There have been a few of my professors who knew all about diabetes so they were perfectly fine with me keeping the phone handy. Other professors understood the situation and were still okay with the cell phone. But there is one reaction I get that still surprises me to this day.

When I spoke with my professor, with whom I have two courses with this semester, he/she visibly paled. When Deacon was still a toddler I got that reaction a lot. I assume it was because he was so young when he was diagnosed. As he has gotten older I have gotten less of this type of reaction.

The effect of my teacher’s reaction didn’t hit home with me until I sat down in the hallway near my next class and thought about it. My first thought was, “Wow. I hope I didn’t frighten the guy/gal. It’s only diabetes.”

Okay now then that may get me in hot water on the net. I know diabetes is far more than “only diabetes.” I have experienced the worry, fear, anger and a range of other emotions. But when I thought that it was because of my surprise to the reaction along with the fact that I am several years down this road. I have come to understand that even though this is a demanding, emotionally tolling disease, Deacon could have more serious diseases. I have felt the twinge of sadness when I walk into a hospital and see a child or adult battling a far more debilitating, life threatening disease. I have had the reminder that this could be a lot worse and have taken it to heart.

And even with that thought I thought, I still kept a close eye on my phone all day and I also called my father more often than I normally would. I was like a mother who just left her new baby with the babysitter while she runs errands. Deacon was not far from my thoughts that day.

Relinquishing Some Control

There is nothing more worrisome for me than not being readily available to take care of Deacon. I have been no more than 15 minutes away at all times since he was diagnosed in 2007. This has always been comforting to me. Last year I was very fortunate to be taking online classes for both semesters. I was free to handle anything at any time.

Tomorrow I will be commuting to where I will attend college for, hopefully, two years. I do not know which is harder; attending classes and doing the homework while raising four boys, or letting go of the control I have had and letting others take care of Deacon. Right now the idea of getting into my minivan and driving 45 minutes away is pretty daunting, and I want to be like my son, who started middle school last week, and yell, “I don’t want to go.” Yes, I am being childish and I know it.

I spent last week writing list after list of phone numbers, hypo and hyper symptoms, simple protocols and meeting with nurses and teachers. Today I spent the afternoon talking with my father about different procedures for Deacon, having him practice with the glucagon and performing a site change so that my father could get more familiar with it. Everyone who needs to be informed has been and are prepared to take care of Deacon. I will have my cell phone with me so I can be contacted if really need be. I even contacted my teachers to inform them of my situation in case I get contacted during class.

Tomorrow I will put on my big girl panties, keep my phone close at hand and I will be calling to check on Deacon more often than usual. I will undoubtedly keep a closer eye on the time more than normal. In time, as the semester goes on, I will slowly relax and become more accustomed to having a less hands on role with Deacon during his school day. But in all seriousness, right now I am looking forward to Tuesday when I will be at home no more than 3 minutes away from his school!

A Single Mother

 

On a personal level, I have been a single mother for 3 years and 10 months. Yesterday, in the eyes of the law, I officially became a single mother to my four sons. The settlement came after many years and months of worry, tears, frustration, anger and self doubt. When I entered my lawyer’s office yesterday, I didn’t hesitate signing my name on several copies of the document. I had already spent yesterday morning re-reading the emotional abuse and its toll on me that I had written down to remind my heart why the marriage had to come to an end.

As with many mothers, I tend to forget that I am as important as my children are to me. I have been fighting to keep my sons safe and advocating for them in all of this, that on occasion, I did forget the emotional roller coaster I had been put through as well. I may at times feel sad, lonely, jealous of happy couples but I will also no longer have to worry about whether myself or my sons are being abused or neglected.

The kids and I have come a long way since October of 2007. We have grown to become our own little family with our special quirks, talents, traditions and inside jokes. We have made our own friends. We have made a house we all fell in love with a home. I look forward to having friends and my sons’ friends over.

I have become a better mother since the separation. I have grown to be more patient with the kids. I enjoy having my sons and doing things together as a family. I laugh more with them than ever before.

Diabetes, ADHD, anxiety issues, school, bills and everyday life may exhaust me, but I believe in doing the best I can to continue on this road that I have been blessed with. A door has just closed but another one opened and I intend to make the most of it for myself and my boys.