Getting accustomed to "new normals" are a part of life. There are pleasant and unpleasant changes throughout our lives. There are changes that in the beginning someone believes that they could never get used to, yet later realize that it was the best change that could have ever happened for them.
In January of 2004, I was looking forward to a new year where I had two sons in school, I was searching for a daycare for my youngest son to attend, and I was applying to the local college to resume my education. I was still married at the time, and my husband had returned safely from Iraq and no deployments were planned for about a year. To me, the future was looking bright and I was content with where I was.
In mid-January, I began to feel tired, had dizzy spells and felt like I had a cold. On January 21, I stopped living in denial and I took a pregnancy test. The positive line came up before the test line did on this particular test. I was washed over with feelings of fear and sadness. I was happy to only have 3 sons. Sebastian was reaching an age where I was comfortable with leaving him in someone else's care while I went back to school. Being pregnant was not going to allow me to go back to school. I was anxious about the morning sickness. I have "all day for most of the pregnancy" sickness. Sebastian was very sick when he was born and I was terrified that was going to happen again. My own health degrades as my pregnancies get close to term so I was also nervous about that. The shock I felt with this positive pregnancy result hit me harder than when I learned that I was pregnant with Hawke when Alex was 5 months old. Alex and Hawke are not even 13 months apart. They missed that milestone by 5 days.This was a surprise pregnancy that I had a difficult time getting overjoyed about.
Deacon fully entered our world at 11:59 p.m. on September 9, 2004 with his usual element of surprise and on his terms. My family's and friends' worries that I would not bond with him were unfounded. I wanted to hold him as soon as the nurses would let me. I was a mother hen when he became jaundiced, slept longer than I had seen with his brothers, developed a cold when he was one month old and got diaper rash. It was pretty clear that I could not imagine life without having Deacon in it. Deacon with all of his joy for life has completed this family. I think even his brothers would agree.
On March 17, 2007, I was met with another new normal. This was a new normal that I couldn't fully comprehend even though I had been introduced to diabetes before Deacon's diagnosis. I was overwhelmed with learning how to carb count, keeping to a strict schedule, what the numbers really meant, drawing up insulin and injecting it, and how to use the glucometer. Over time, I learned that there was a need to still test Deacon during the night. Through trial and error I learned what foods caused what reaction and how to combat them. I am one of those parents that will prohibit a particularly evil food, such as pop tarts, pie or blueberry muffins. It took a few months to accept it and get used to the new normal. Like newly diagnosed parents, I never thought that I would.
I have ridden the diabetes roller coaster for 3 1/2 years now. I have gone from the new normal of giving injections several times a day to using an insulin pump. I unconsciously look at the clock to see if it is time for Deacon to be tested by his nurse. I grab the "emergency" phone on my way out the door without fail. I panic if I cannot readily find the kit in its usual places. Carb counting is so ingrained in me that I will carb count everyone's meals. I occasionally feel the pull to test all of my sons and bolus their meals too. My body is so accustomed to waking up at 3 a.m. that I really do not need my alarm set to ring anymore. My nightly ritual is to turn off lights, lock up the house, put the dog in her crate, and grab the kit and cell phone off of my desk as I walk upstairs. The first stop I make at the grocery store is the pharmacy area to get more glucose tabs. I spend 5 minutes every weekday morning packing Deacon's snack and writing his morning BG, what he ate for breakfast and the carb counts, and what he was bolused in a book that goes to school for his nurses. In the afternoon, the first thing I do is read that book to see what his numbers were like at school. I am used to the new normal of diabetes and, like having Deacon, I cannot imagine my life without it either.
As I write this though, there are families who had gotten used to the new normal of the diabetes diagnosis and are now grappling with a different new normal. It isn't the new normal we want for any of our families. These families have experienced what most families of children with Type 1 diabetes fear. They have inexplicably lost their child to diabetes. Like most members of the diabetes community, I am at a loss for words. I have sat at my desk dumbfounded at the news of another child being taken way too soon. I have cried. I have hugged Deacon tighter and have stepped up my own vigilance in response to the news.
My thoughts, prayers and tears continue to be sent to these families. I cannot begin to completely imagine how they must feel, but I do my best to be there for them in spirit and online words as much as possible.
