"Fear"

When I became a mother, I didn't realize the love of my child would also instill such a heart-stopping, body immobilizing fear. I remember being in the bathroom one morning and hearing a thud followed by Alex crying when he was 8 months old. He had climbed the couch and had fallen over the back of it. When Hawke was 9 months old and had the most stubborn fever of 103, I was worried about how safe it really was that he kept spiking back up to it. The doctors said he would fine, but I couldn't help but be worried. When Sebastian was born and had to be in the NICU for 11 days, I cried for hours that I had left him there in the hospital while I got to go home. I still cannot look at the pictures of him with tubes and wires hooked up to him. When I was pregnant with Deacon, I was very worried that the same problem that had caused Sebastian's problems at birth would reoccur.

The fear I have felt with scraped knees, bloody eyebrows, swallowed Magnetix balls, burned hands, allergic reactions, illness and stupid child stunts that have gone wrong can not be compared to the fear I feel when Deacon has severe lows, highs with large ketones that will not go away or when Deacon has passed out from a low. I have held my breath and spent several minutes silently praying that Deacon will start speaking to me and his blank stare would fade away. I have impatiently watched the clock counting down 15 minutes when I can re-check to see if his number has come back up. My heart has skipped several beats when the meter has read 42 at midnight when he went to bed fine. I have cried when he has thrown up and complained of his stomach hurting because he is sick and the ketones are making him worse. I have felt the calm come over me when I see Deacon getting better from another round of lows or highs.

Because of diabetes, I now carry what I term as the "emergency" phone everywhere I go. My alarm is always set to midnight and 3 a.m. I do not buy a new purse unless the "kit" can fit inside. I keep my eye on the clock for the time I know the school nurse will be testing Deacon. I breathe a sigh of relief on the days that I do not get a call at all.

Despite the fear of what diabetes can do, I have learned how to accept a lot of it. I also have many friends in the diabetes community who understand exactly what I feel and how hard this road is. This community also does not say "Boo." to unconventional ways of solving problems because there is no right answer to diabetes. There is only going with the flow at that time. I was relieved to learn that I am not the only person who has their child sleep in the same room as them. When Alex was born, I did what was termed as the "family bed." It wasn't planned, but something that came about by me needing sleep. I got a lot of flack about it. Now Deacon and I share a room, and I do not hear any criticism. That was liberating for me to be able to discuss how I am still sharing a room with my 6 year old son. My friends have heard me talk about how I do my best to keep my side of the room looking like an adult sleeps in there.

After being in this diabetes whirlwind for 3 1/2 years, the fear isn't at the forefront as often as in the beginning. I can let it go to the background until the next scary low, highs or illness. When the fear does return, I take the time to ride it out and let it out. I will not be able to control diabetes just as much as I cannot control a drunk driver hitting our car or whether my kids get hurt on the playground. I can talk about what I am scared of with others in the community. I can raise money to find a cure for diabetes. I can cry, curse, yell and punch pillows at the unfairness of it all. But most of the time I choose to follow my son in his footsteps and enjoy life. Because diabetes or not, fear or not, this is the life he and I were given; and looking forward to the next fun thing is a lot better than being anxious about when the next lightning bolt will strike. I think that is what all of our diabetic children would want us to do.